Surprises and Karma

I had an interesting talk with a friend this week.

In it, I found out she got married in a civil wedding early this October.  I was mystified by the announcement... wait, let me rephrase that... I was shocked at her announcement.  One moment, you think you know the person, and then suddenly you're facing someone with a stranger's surname.

In any case, our conversation digressed at the ills we've done others.  I guess the moment crystallized my thoughts, and I said though I was atheist, it seems I have always unconsciously deferred to the will of the Universe and accepted Karma as its means to exact justice for all the times we've caused bad things to happen to others.  The line of thinking would be, "I'm suffering now because I deserve it", or "I should cease to feel guilty because I've been punished for it already".  It's truly satisfying to live in delusion sometimes - to think forces greater than ourselves are at play to harmonize and right the wrongs we have done, or to put back in balance what we have tipped over.

A realization did come by my way.  The Universe is amoral.  Isn't justice just a construct of our minds as it struggles with logic and the tempering effects of empathy?  No one is out there keeping tabs of our good deeds, or bad deeds at that.

Karma seems meaningful only in retrospect; a convenient means to ease our guilt.

Come to think of it, the guilt I carry was never lightened by the harm and ill done to me  by others.  The hurt I've felt never did ease the guilt of the hurt I dispensed on others.  My betrayal never did cancel out the betrayal done to me.  It all turns out to be one complex and confounding network of hurt and pain we've all weaved to entangle each and everyone of us in.

As we age, they say we grow in wisdom.  I say, we entangle ourselves so much from all the things we've done in our early years that we can barely move anymore.  That is ageing.  One day, you'd rather stay in your chair all day than to spin more of your caustic web into the world and its inhabitants.

There really is wisdom in the adage of forgiving and forgetting.  Life can be a real bummer if you are lugging around a bag of guilt everywhere you go - like some forlorn Santa Claus.

To my friend down there in the south, I wish you blissful happiness.

What is worse than a tormented artist?

What is worse than a tormented artist?

Well, to be simply tormented.

...

I've come to realize a long time ago, that I've developed this psychological mechanism whereby to ease the impact of my seasonal depression on my daily life, I'd focus its manifestation on something else - usually something and sometimes someone that is dear to me.  I'd aim hate, annoyance, rejection and some dark destructive fantasies on these objects or people, even as I go along humming normally through my daily routines.

I'm aware of this mechanism, and I allow it to play out, because it does allow me to function through such bouts of momentary unreasonableness.  Besides, what damage can thoughts do, especially if you are aware that is is purely hypothetical and therapeutic?

But as of late, I've found myself seemingly unencumbered by such bouts.  It's like noticing you haven't gotten your credit card bills for the month, even though you'd love not to receive them at all.

Something is not right here.  There is something I still have to resolve but have not identified yet.

Then, I remembered this ongoing avoidance I've been acting out with regards these unfinished canvasses I have.  In introspect, this game of avoidance has been hurting me quite well - a bit like a sort of self imposed punishment. It is exactly what I'd do to cope with my seasonal bouts, but I am not aware of it.

If I'm not mistaken, the reason I haven't felt depressed as of late is because I'm already stuck in a perpetual cycle of feeling depressed and coping which feeds each other so well that they perpetuate themselves.

I need to snap out of this comfortable spiral into perdition.  I need to paint.  Even if it's worth shit, I need to paint it out of the canvas.

There's a Time for Everything

When the 2010 Campaign Season started, I was ecstatic at all the possibilities that the experience will present me.  I readied my sketchbook and promised myself to keep my camera nearby just in case a piece of inspiration do come my way.

But as soon as the feverish pace of Philippine campaign season got under way, did I find myself  bogged down with tasks and the need to create art took a back seat.

I think I packed away the artist in me too well.  I find it difficult to even start sketching now - and that's halfway through the year.  Somewhere along the way, I think I left the artist in me wallowing in some perennially flooded back road in Malabon City.

Come to think of it, I don't even bother bringing my camera when I go on trips.  Just this weekend, I left home for Tarak Ridge in the Mariveles Range, Bataan, without a camera.  And interestingly, it didn't bother me one bit.  A year ago, I'd find that thought reprehensible.

There's this growing annoyance when I see these brushes and tube paints in my living room.  I feel this itch to finally pack them away.  It's the same feeling I got when I had this compulsion to pack away my Transformer toys when I was a boy, that had outgrown his toys.  As with the toys, the paint brushes embarrass me.

I think there is a need for me to rid myself of all these distractions.  I need to set up a company and these brushes do nothing but clutter my thoughts.

Perhaps it's now time to pack away these last vestiges of my creative past.

Not a Good Practice

It's not a good practice, but I just couldn't help it. As I walk day in and day out past "Night Swimming" as it sat there "drying", I was developing an itch to make some minor modification on the woman's hair. I wanted to make the black mass lighter by making the glow of the pool show through her strands of hair.

I also needed to correct what seemed like some really badly placed highlights on the hair.

Well, now that it is done, I can finally make my way past it without being tortured.

Sa Bubungan ng Mabini

Sa Bubungan ng Mabini

(At the Roof of Mabini)

By: Ian V. Martinez

29 January 2010

Oil on canvas

32.25 x 25 inches

I'm done with this! Though I thought I'd be as ecstatic as the woman portrayed in this painting, apparently I'm not. There are a few things I'd like to change, but cannot. I keep on telling myself to just move on and take whatever lessons I got from this canvas to my next paintings.

As I go along, I find myself more and more confident throwing in details or "suggestions of details." I can more boldly play with colors now and explore the way they interact, as I find myself more confident and less apprehensive in handling paint.

I am no longer fixated in applying a particular technique in paint application as before. With this, I found myself more interested in texture and composition.

If you must know, the scene is set on top of Mt. Gulugod Baboy, located in the Municipality of Mabini, Batangas. The chain of islands you see on the left side of the painting... I cannot quite remember the name, but that small island closest the woman's face is Sombrero Island. Beneath the waters of that island is a dive location called Beatriz. There you will encounter somewhat strong currents and because of this, the abundant soft coral gardens would come alive as they sway, fill up and expand, and ripple with the currents. I do not have words to describe the sight, sound and sensations underneath the waves near that island.

I originally thought of calling this painting "Happiness", for reasons some of you might be able to surmise. I however, decided to give my paintings Tagalog names to give tribute to the culture that I have always drawn upon when I needed inspiration.

Sa Bubungan ng Mabini, nakita ng aking mata, ang lahat ng maidudulot ng buhay kong ito, na tunay na magpapasaya sa akin.

Highlights on the Ground

I can't wait to finally finish this painting and get it out of the way. Things have been hectic at work and I've been coming home fairly late. I've tried to sneak in a few brushworks here and there but it's hard to "get into it" unless I really sit down for a moment to contemplate on the work at hand.

I'm almost happy with the skin tone, but I will most probably dab in some yellow glaze to warm the person up a bit; except of course the pants which needs to stand out and "pull" in the clouds.

A bit of wispy hair here and there, some minor correction on the shadows in the face, some hair highlights, a bit more foreground grass highlights and... Bob's your uncle!

I might want to touch up that sky a bit but am hesitant to do so lest I end up with an ugly inconsistent large blue space above. I got that blue gradation painting wet on wet and applying a new layer over dry might ruin the whole thing.

I'm more or less happy with the almost finished work. I do acknowledge that some painting problems I have not handled all that well, but I believe each painting I complete inches me closer to that level of competence I could be happy living with.

Now, if only I can figure out how to sell these things.

34 Paintings

I'm conceptualizing paintings faster than I could paint. That's 34 rough sketches, with notes on color, intent, and mood. My mind is keeping track of my vision on how these 34 paintings should look like.

While driving just last week, I came up with a series of four paintings about my commentary on religion. I was so excited in visualizing the 4 canvas and planning the elements, that I had to park somewhere and note down my intents, and how the elements within the frame should interact with each other.

I wouldn't want to die just yet. I just have too many unfinished business to be able to rest in peace.

I'm annoyed that my skills are not up to par to tackle some of my ideas. If only I had the talent to really make the images in my head come alive in my canvas for everyone to see. Most of the time I'm struggling with a technical problem here, or how to render that, or how to correct this, and a plethora of other mundane things.

If only there is a microchip that I can stick in my brain to automatically transform me into a Manet+Vermeer+Turner painter, then I wouldn't feel this useless.

I'm still inching in my progress with Kubol and Happiness(?). I don't think I can complete these by the end of the month. I have too many things to mind at the office.

...

Super Saturated

Have you had that dream so vivid that upon waking up, you are overcome with a deep sadness for being “back” in such a gray world.

Do you remember how blue and opaque the sky was? Didn't you think it odd that green was crayon-green and all the reds seem to be flaming and bursting sparks of orange towards your face?

I always stare out in my dreams with my mouth wide open. When the rare occasion of an ultra saturated colored dream does happen, I will myself with all my might to break free from the conveyor belt that keeps me within a predetermined track as I am led through this freshly painted world my mind had conjured up.

I believe that if ever I break free and was made able to roam my colored dreams, I will find myself against a white screen, palming an illusion I have projected like a movie. Something so vibrant cannot possibly exist in the real world.

When I started painting Happiness, I was tempted to execute it as realistically as I could. But as the work progressed, I couldn't hold back on using pure colors. I was so enamoured by what I started, I had to use magenta to allow the central figure to kick through the frame. Before I know it, I was painting what looked like something from one of my dreams. I was daubing pure white to highlight my clouds, dropping in yellow amid burnt umber, painting white adjacent earth colors and different greens.

There's a downside to all this liberalism. I once showed the unfinished work to the partner of a friend and she said the painting looked nice. It looked like cartoons, according to her. That caught me off guard, honestly. But yes, I do see her point. After that, I pulled back a tad on the saturation. Besides, I'm working on the face now and have to slow down. The toughest challenge for me now is to create a likeness. The second toughest is how to wipe that smirk off the woman's face! I try not get too excited when working with the woman's expression. The gestures can become really tricky. A misplaced highlight can turn a smile into suppressed grief.

The painting should be done in a few more weeks. I still have to apply a warming layer to the face and arms of the central figure, as well as reflect the warm earth tones off her white pants. I still have to apply some hair partly over the face to shrink it. I've given up in trying to find a “remedyo” to the uneasy crop on the central figure's legs. You see, when I arranged everything on the canvas, I still had room for sneakers. But as I painted in the figure, I was constrained to lengthen the legs to prevent the figure from looking stunted.

The final touch will be grass blades sticking out at the bottom of the frame to suggest a layering of close foreground elements.

...

In the Zone

I've always wondered how I could sit down in front of an unfinished work with a steaming cup of coffee, and just sit there, staring at the canvas until I am almost done with my cup. I normally get restless easily, but in front of my unfinished works, I can sit there contemplating for hours.

And then there are moments when I would snap out of a painting and drawing frenzy of sorts, and be surprised with the results. It's almost the same when I write: I'd lay out my outline, then after the first shaky and forced paragraphs, a flood of words and thoughts would ensue and I'd be tapping out pages for extended periods of time until I snap out of it - usually when it's time for a coffee refill.

I sometimes wonder if it was really me who painted or drew the face that was staring back at me. Sometimes, I don't remember how I ended up with my finished pieces.

It's odd that way.

2009 was FUN...

2009 was fun, but I'm hoping that 2010 will be my most productive year as an artist. I'm planning to start a business and take a most serious step in life this year, and these two changes can work both ways on my productivity as an artist.

Don't get me wrong, art is a major part of my life, but expression needs a full life to be able to draw from.

Before, I thought I am most creative during the lowest points in my life, but that was just because those where the times when I need most to express hurt, sadness or hopelessness to cope. The impulse to express was strongest then, and that more or less overcame the apprehension and hesitation to create because of lack of skills.

As I go along this creative path, I found that as I build on my skills, I could squeeze nice creations from happiness, with less and less apprehension.

For the painting-in-progress above, I'm having a ball trying to figure out how to render dried up grass in the foreground, as well as how to highlight the clouds. The cheeks and expression is still problematic and I don't want this painting to suffer the same fate as my juvenile works.

It's quite a small painting, and somehow, I'm regretting not painting this on a canvas 3 times it's current size. I would have loved working on the details of the distant towns in that scale.

For 2010, I'm planning to complete the following 11 paintings below. They are still in rough (rough may be an understatement) sketch form, but just to liven up your imagination, I've included the schematic sketches alongside completed works for 2009 below to give you an idea on how I might execute the plans.

I'm excited about starting work on the composition above. I'm so excited, I've come up with a name for it already: Manalmon.

The image above I want to execute as loosely as possible, but I've been wondering how I could do that while still rendering the tattoos "legibly".

When I visited Masbate, I came across a restaurant/bar that displayed these really tall paintings - somewhat 7x2 feet in dimension. I thought it looked so damn cool that I want to compose something like it. My subject here would be a male mountaineer with a hydration pack, heavily leaning on a large boulder, all sweaty and looking extremely tired, while the ridge leading up Mt. Guiting-Guiting rises up from behind him. Now, you gotta admit, that's freakin' cool! What better way to really point out that G2 is that precipitous, than to make a vertical composition of the ridge connecting Mayo's Peak with G2 itself.

Most everyone in Metro Manila have been "touched" one way or the other by Typhoon Ondoy. It's the stuff legends are made of. Cultural memories of the days when Metro East became submerged in muddy water, will linger long after those of us who have witnessed it are long gone from this world.

I plan to paint 3 paintings of Ondoy - two of them as seen from the hills of Antipolo. One is looking out at the Sumulong Highway vista. The other will be looking at Cainta and Laguna Lake shore from Village East III vista. The third painting will be of the muddy Marikina river as it snakes along San Mateo with the barren hills of Rodriguez in the background.

If you happen to sit beside me on the plane going to Palawan, you'd probably think it was the first time I'd ridden a plane, seeing how avidly I am photographing clouds through the plane's little windows.

If you happen to see what I saw at that moment, you'd probably take your camera out as well. The photographs did not reproduce the sight I saw...but I hope these future paintings will.

Have you been to Palawan's famed Underground River? I thought it provided the perfect opportunity to finally use the gold and copper acrylic paints I bought in 2009. I already have a name for this painting: Highway to Hades. Yeahboi!

I was looking at this large space in our house and was wondering what would look good on it. So I imagines this restricted palette painting of a nude man on one extreme side of a painting and a nude woman on the opposite extreme side of the frame. For lack of an appropriate title for it, I've decided to christen it: Dingdong and Clam.

I came up with this triptych composition mid year of 2009. I plan to work on this during the campaign period. That should put things in perspective.

Well, that's it. I hope I get to do all these for 2010!

Night Swimming

Night Swimming
By: Ian V. Martinez 
31 December 2009


Oil on canvas 
38 x 31 inches 


After a few months hiatus (has it been that long), I've finally decided to finish this piece by painting in the ripples.  That's all that I've planned to put in since I've stopped painting due to work.  It's been hectic and at times harrowing at work as of late.  

I think I've written about it somewhere in this blog, but initially, I was thinking of painting an abstract when I started this. In retrospect, that seems unusual. I've never done abstract before... abstract in the loosest sense because... come on, every piece of art is an abstraction of the real world! What I meant was Pollock-abstract. Geez, I know you got it. I just have nothing to write so I'm filling this page with giber...ish.