I couldn't believe a program I was watching on cable could be so poignant. It talked about the condition called sloth - which was historically known as a sin, but is now known as clinical depression.
If you've read my past posts, you would inevitably come to the conclusion that I am a procrastinator. And, if you knew me, you would come to know of my almost obsessive facination with chocolates. Chocolates are my way of getting through the deeper bouts of sadness I feel at times. I have much to thank that dark mass in getting me off my buttocks and getting things done.
There will be times that I feel alone yet wishing at the same time to be left alone. There will be times that looking back at my existence, I couldn't bring myself to appreciate where I've been, what I've done and where I was heading. In my mind's eye, there is nothing ahead but a grey horizon, and nothing behind but the same.
There was a time I folded into myself and retreated from everybody for more than a week. I managed then to push everyone away. I called everyone's bluff. I made decisions I would probably not have done if I was my normal self, and that changed the direction of my life. It was during this time that I came to wonder if I was clinically depressed. But I'm not like that all the time. If anything, I'd diagnose myself as having the mild kind.
At least now I have a name for it. At least now I don't have to romanticize the anomie and gloom I feel at times. I can call it by its name and invoke the power of chocolate against it.
Why did I come to discuss this? Because the biggest hurdle for me in creating art is apparently myself.
For the past 2 weeks, I've managed to steer clear of my waiting canvases. It's not like I'm terribly busy or preoccupied with more important concerns. Rather, I had been unwittingly the prisoner of cable television, mobile email, mobile facebook and mobile IMs.
If not for sloth, this long weekend, I could have done a training run, biked, swam, ran at a 10km event, climbed Mt. Maculot, went to the opening of a 4-man show in a gallery at Gateway Mall, finally completed two overdue paintings, finished a dark sketch and prepped and readied myself to a new week at the office... But no. I carry the burden of lost opportunities whilst being completely aware of it.
I've come to understand the dynamics of this whole thing. Now all I have to do is muster the strength to break free of it at will. Aye, now there's the rub, eh?
There are so many things in my life that tightens the clawed grip of sloth on me: my fascination with cable programs such as House, CSI, Star Trek the New Generation, CNN and FOX, distractions from the internet like this blog, emails and networking sites and oh yes... Youtube. I can burn through the whole weekend without nothing to show for.
This modern world is a trap to those predisposed to sloth. There are just too many mindless things to become preoccupied with which takes away a person's focus from more important matters which necessitates greater effort and dedication.
It's so easy to get mired into this world made of streams of disjointed information, and lose sight of the real world.
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